


Casefile#0161702 Miami

by MilkyMint



Category: Cabin Pressure, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Comedy, Fear Avatar vs. MJNAir, Statement Fic, set around season 2, spoiler free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:15:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22165495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilkyMint/pseuds/MilkyMint
Summary: Statement of Captain Martin Crieff regarding his encounter with one Simon Fairchild on a transatlantic flight.
Comments: 37
Kudos: 121





	Casefile#0161702 Miami

**Author's Note:**

> Does it make sense for the Martins to know each other? No.  
> Do the timelines link up at all? Also no.  
> But who's gonna stop me, the Podcast police?

[CLICK]

MARTIN BLACKWOOD

Right, here we go. All set!

MARTIN CRIEFF

Oh, you're recording this? You didn't say you would be recording this!

MARTIN BLACKWOOD

Sorry. I thought I mentioned it. We could just do a written statement, if you'd be more comfortable with that?

MARTIN CRIEFF

Oh, no, no no no. It's just, I didn't really, practice my radio voice. And you said, you know, that your boss listens to all of these, so it's like I've got an, an audience, I don't know if-

MARTIN BLACKWOOD

You do announcements on the plane, right? Just think of it like that and you'll be fine.

MARTIN CRIEFF

[Deep breath] Okay. Okay. It's fine. I'm fine.

MARTIN BLACKWOOD

Ready to go?

MARTIN CRIEFF

Yes!

MARTIN BLACKWOOD

Alright. Statement of Martin Crieff regarding-

MARTIN CRIEFF

Uhm, just for the purpose of this, you should probably call me Captain Crieff. Might be a tad confusing otherwise. What with all the Martins and all that.

MARTIN BLACKWOOD

Right.

Statement of Captain Martin Crieff, regarding his encounter with Simon Fairchild on an over-atlantic flight. Statement recorded directly from subject.

Statement begins.

[Pause]

That means go, Captain.

CAPTAIN MARTIN CRIEFF

Please, call me Martin, Martin.

MARTIN

I thought that would be confusing.

MARTIN

You're right, you're right, just call me Captain Crieff. Or, or, or Skip!

MARTIN

Skip?

SKIP

Short for 'Skipper'. But you're right, way too informal. Best to stick with Captain Crieff.

MARTIN

Are you sure? It doesn't actually matter that much for the recording.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Okay. Right. I can do this. Can I start over?

MARTIN

Sure.

Statement of Captain Martin Crieff, regarding his encounter with Simon Fairchild on a transatlantic flight, recorded live from subject.

Statement beings.

Go.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF (STATEMENT)

MJN-Air is a very small airline. We have a single plane, a refitted Lockheed McDonnell 312 called Gerti, our boss, one captain, that's me, one first officer, and one steward who legally we aren't allowed to call an employee because he flunked trough safety training. He's still on every flight that requires stewarding, but strictly as an unusually helpful passenger.

With a company that small, we have to take pretty much any job that comes our way, from stag nights to spill over from bigger airlines, or the odd eccentric who wants to go somewhere off the regular flight plans, but for whatever reason doesn't own their own private jet.

So, when Mr. Simon Fairchild chartered us to fly the longest possible route directly over the North Atlantic, with no other specifics given, it was pretty odd, but not the oddest thing that's happened to us. We suggested a flightplan from Fitton to Miami, which takes about nine hours, and goes directly over water for most of that, and he approved without hesitation.

The flight was scheduled for a saturday morning, and it started perfectly normal. Mr. Fairchild arrived via Taxi, as we waited outside of the plane to greet him. He wasn't really what I expected. The other single customers we get tend to be a bit loud. The kind of people who never stop shouting and demand you pay attention to them at all times. But Mr. Fairchild seemed nice enough. Just a small, old, man, who introduced himself very politely. Looking back, I think he might have had a hint of mischief about him, but I can't say if I felt so at the time, or if I'm just projecting. I remember being surprised at how easily he climbed up the stairs. Either he was younger than he looked, or he'd kept really fit in his old age.

I did the walk around, we did the pre-flight checks, everything was in order. We did the welcome announcement and the safety demonstration, and off we went. It didn't take us long to get over the ocean, and we were just about to turn off the seat-belts on sign, when-

Look, you're sure you're not going to give this to CAA?

MARTIN

Who?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Civil Aviation Authority. If they hear about this, we might get into some serious trouble.

MARTIN

I promise, we'll only use it internally to cross-reference some other statements.

CAPTAIN CRIEF

Okay, right. The thing is, passengers really aren't supposed to come up to the flight deck, but sometimes they...they just do it anyway. And they don't listen when you tell them they can't, because obviously they can. They just did. It's awful, and the manual doesn't account for it.

[Deep Breath]

So I'm about to make the announcement, and Mr Fairchild just waltzes right in, and and, that is why I brought you this!

[heavy clunk]

MARTIN

The on board recording?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Yes. But look, I really need to take it back with me.

MARTIN

Of course.

We'll now play the recording Captain Crieff managed to temporarily borrow to give his statement. I've listened to some of it before, and I did a quick test and it seems that whatever recording equipment is on the plane is old enough to circumvent our usual technical difficulties.

[BEEP]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

-really can't be here, it is a safety issue, and the law and, and

SIMON

Oh, relax. I always like to take a look at my pilots once they're at their battle stations. But you two look like seasoned veterans of soaring heights, so I'll leave you to it. Please, enjoy horizons everlasting!

[Flight Deck Door Closes]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

What was that about?

DOUGLAS

No idea. Maybe Mr. Fairchild simply has a poetic soul.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Hm.

DOUGLAS

How about connecting flights?

CAPTAIN CRIEF

Meaning?

DOUGLAS

Fitton to Nulgorsk

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

And?

DOUGLAS

Nulgorsk to Kent

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Kent to Tokyo?

DOUGLAS

Exactly. Tokyo to Oslo

[BEEP]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

This goes on for a few hours.

MARTIN

Hours?!

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Look, there's only so much you can do during a flight. And when you're over the ocean, you can't just talk about whatever catches your eye. There's nothing there to see. But I marked down the next important bit, it should be right around...here.

[BEEP]

DOUGLAS

Strasbourg to Gondor

[Door to flight deck opens]

ARTHUR

Hey guys. Coffee for you Douglas, and coffee for you, Martin. Wow. Look at that horizon!

Douglas

Thank you, Arthur. That is what you get on a cloudless flight over the northern atlantic.

And how fares Mr. Fairchild?

ARTHUR

Uhhhhhh. He's fine. I think. He's just staring out the window. But he keeps kind of looking at the front of the plane. And he asked how you are doing. I think he's waiting for something to happen? Are we close to landing?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

It's a nine hour flight, Arthur. We won't be landing for another...huh. This is odd.

DOUGLAS

Well, he did hire us to fly him over the ocean, he probably intents to get the most view out of it.

ARTHUR

Right. Right.

But I've been thinking though, and what if it's his birthday and he's waiting for a cake, or a suprise, or a Congratulations! or a-

SIMON

Hello there!

ARTHUR

AH! Hello! Do you need anything? If you need anything, please avail yourself of the service bell, and don't sneak yourself up on myself. Thank you for your consideration.

SIMON

Ah, understood. Would you mind getting me another drink? You can bring it right to my seat, if you'd be so kind.

ARTHUR

Righto!

[Footsteps]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Look, Mr. Fairchild you really can't just come-

SIMON

Look at that horizon!

DOUGLAS

That is what we've been doing.

SIMON

Now I'm no Pilot, but it seems to me like it isn't getting any closer. That seems pretty strange, doesn't it?

DOUGLAS

Well, on the open sea and under a clear blue sky, measuring distance with the human eye is as good as impossible.

SIMON

I'm sure you're right. Shouldn't it be curved though? It seems like it just goes on and on and on...forever.

DOUGLAS

Oh, that? That's just an Fata Morgana. You get them this time of year. The warm air from the gulf stream rises up and does all sorts of funny little things to light reflection. Nothing to worry about.

SIMON

My, my, you certainly know your stuff.

Captain, I don't suppose you have the time?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Yes, actually I do. It is...14:36

SIMON

Oh dear, isn't that strange? It was 14:32 when you checked last, and that must have been hours ago. Are you feeling quite alright?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

How did you-

DOUGLAS

Of course the captain is a very philosophical man, not bound by the regular constraints of time. His watch naturally reflects that.

SIMON

Still, I might get worried if I were you. Strange phenomena in the sky, nothing but ocean around for miles, the tools of science failing you at every turn...a man might get anxious under such conditions.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

I assure you, I am exactly as worried, or anxious, as I am on every flight.

DOUGLAS

[unintelligible]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

So if you would please get back to your seat, I'm sure Arthur would be delighted to show you our movie selection, or, or maybe open the games cupboard. I'm sure we've got something you'd enjoy.

SIMON

The steward? Yes, I think I'll go and find him. See if we can have some fun. I'll see you later!

[flight deck door closes]

DOUGLAS

A bit harsh isn't it? The games cupboard. The Geneva Convention will not be pleased.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

I know. But I can't focus with Mr. Fairchild just barging in whenever he feels like it. Maybe that'll keep him out of our hair.

DOUGLAS

Unless it drives him to seek sanctuary with us. And I thought your watch finally settled in.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

So did I. But it does feel a bit like. Like maybe this flight is longer than it should be, doesn't it?

DOUGLAS

Eh, I've had longer. At some point your sense of time just gets shot. Especially if you don't get any change in scenery.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

But it's not just that, look! Gerti's saying we've been in the air for eight hours. We should be in sight of land by now!

DOUGLAS

Oh, you know Gerti. She's a hypochondriac at the best of times. Which are long behind here. We'll get her checked over in Miami.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

... Do you even get Fata Morgana on the ocean?

DOUGLAS

Well, it's either that or the earth magically turned flat when we weren't looking. Which would be way above our pay grade.

Especially yours.

[BEEP]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Right we can skip this bit as well. The last time he came in was riiiiiight here.

[BEEP]

SIMON

[decidedly less enthusiastic] Hello lads.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Mr. Fairchild, I really must insist as the supreme commander of-

SIMON

Oh, don't get hysterical on me now, I have just one quick question. Your Stewart doesn't scare easily, does he?

DOUGLAS

Oh no. He's the unflappable optimist, our Arthur. Don't think you could scare him if you tried.

SIMON

That sounds about right, yes. And you two still seem to be determined to just keep flying this strange little aircraft, no matter how long it takes.

You. You enjoy flying, don't you?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Me? Yes, of course. Or I wouldn't be doing this. It's the best feeling in the world.

SIMON

[long pause]

[sudden laughter]

I see, I see. That certainly explains a lot. Well, I'll let you get on with it then.

I'll get back to you if you ever find yourself in need of a new career path.

[BEEP]

CAPTAIN CRIEFF (STATEMENT)

And then he left, and suddenly the horizon was back to normal and we could see land. And we were getting frantic calls from Miami airport, because we were five hours late and they hadn't been able to contact us.

As soon as we landed Mr. Farichild just disappeared, but we had to talk to some very rude people from security.

I don't know how we got out of the mess, Douglas talked to some people he knew, and they checked Gerti and she was perfectly fine! Well, there were a couple of things wrong with her, but nothing we didn't know about, and she was safe to fly.

I'd assume I was just overworked and seeing things, and maybe, somehow we'd gotten lost with bad navigation, if it wasn't for what happened to Arthur.

MARTIN

Wait, something happened to Arthur? Oh my god, is he okay?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Oh, no, he's fine! Sorry, that sounded really ominous.

MARTIN

Yes it did! Sorry, continue.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

So we spent the night at a hotel, and flew back the next day, and then I told you about it at the pub and you said I should come in and make a satement and-

MARTIN

Right, I was there for that.

You didn't try and call anyone from the plane during that weird period, by any chance?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Well, normaly when something gets weird, we'd call our boss, Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. But she was on a not-holiday with her not-boyfriend, so unless both engines caught on fire and it turned out rabid otters ate all our parachutes, there was no way in hell we were going to disturb her.

MARTIN

We've all been there. So what happened with Arthur?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Oh, right. I asked him how he'd been on the flight, and he said Mr. Fairchild must be a hypnotist, because they talked for a bit and suddenly Arthur imagined he was on a rollercoaster that only went down. He tried to google him to see if he could have another go, but all that came up were different corporations.

I mean. He must have been some sort of hynpotist, who made us think that the horizon was wrong and time was too slow, right? I know it sounds really weird, but it's the only thing that makes sense, but it's still pretty spooky, right?

MARTIN

Huh. Uhm. Yes, that would explain a lot of it. Listen, if I give you one of our statement forms, could you ask Arthur to fill it out? I don't think it's urgent, but we like to be thourough.

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

Of course, I'll make sure he gets it.

That's it then, we're finished?

MARTIN

Yes, I think we got everything we need. Unless there's anything else you want to say?

CAPTAIN CRIEFF

No, no, I'm done..

So.

[speaks too close to the recorder _]_

Bye guys, or hey, I should say: bye Jon. Thank you for chosing my statement today and remember to be nice to your Martin, he works really hard-

MARTIN

[strangled sound]

[CLICK]

-

[CLICK]

ARCHIVIST

Well. Not much to add here really. Martin Blackwood assures me that he doesn't go around talking about the more...unsavory aspects of our work to random strangers he meets in pubs. Apparently he met two other men named 'Martin' by chance and they formed some sort of club with the sole purpose of going out for drinks semi-regulary.

But as far as the other Martins are concerned, Martin Blackwood is a reasearch assistant focused on folklore and urban legends.

My Jet Now Air continues to operate as a very small private charter airline, and while its name and business model are certainly unusual, there doesn't seem to be any paranormal aspect to it. Mr. Crieff is certain that he was the victim of a rogue hypnotist, and I for one am not inclined to rob him of whatever security that false belief brings him.

He has reported no other incidents that would fall into our jurisdiction.

Our Martin did hand in a statement by Mr. Arthur Shappey. The statement details are filled out in what I am fairly certain is Martin's handwriting.

The only thing Mr. Shappey seems to have contributed regarding his encounter with Simon Fairchild is turning the page ninety degrees and filling it with huge, meticulously shaded, block letters spelling out a single word: 'BRILLIANT'.

End recording

[CLICK]


End file.
